A person trying to escape an abusive relationship, on average, needs seven attempts to actually leave. Lily Bloom, the protagonist of the new drama “It Ends With Us,” needs only one.
In the hit adaptation of the best-selling Colleen Hoover novel, Bloom (Blake Lively) is a young woman who grew up watching her father repeatedly hit her mother and who sees her own marriage to the seemingly perfect neurosurgeon Ryle Kincaid (Justin Baldoni, also the film’s director) deteriorate into physical and emotional abuse. When Bloom learns she’s pregnant with Kincaid’s child after a violent night, she decides to get out.
Professionals who counsel domestic violence survivors or work on related issues say “It Ends With Us” is an oversimplified depiction of being in and leaving an abusive relationship. But whether it’s a potential tool for advocacy or an unattainable vision of escaping abuse depends on whom you ask.
“I think it’s very likely that people are going to come to the movie and see themselves in Lily,” said Pamela Jacobs, the chief executive officer of the nonprofit organization the National Resource Center on Domestic Violence. She said that although “It Ends With Us” had problems, she was surprised by how well it showed abuse overall.
The big inaccuracy to professionals is how easily Bloom leaves once she realizes she is being abused. In real life, she would probably have faced stalking, harassment and other escalating pressure tactics, including violence.
In “It Ends With Us,” Bloom and her husband peacefully part ways after a single conversation. Jacobs said Bloom’s departure was unrealistically smooth thanks to her financial independence (she owns a flower shop) and unwavering community support, including from her best friend, who is also Kincaid’s sister.
“I just hope that survivors who watch this movie don’t compare themselves too much to Lily’s story, because she was able to get away much easier than people typically are,” Jacobs said.
Andrea Wainer, a New York City clinical social worker and therapist who works with survivors of domestic abuse, said the movie’s message could be dangerous, as it doesn’t explain the careful planning that goes into safely leaving.
“It’s quite a battle to leave,” she said. “If people identify that they are in abusive relationships and then after having watched this movie have courage to leave, some will end up being killed. Many will end up without their children. Many will end up homeless and depressed, and most will have PTSD,” she said, referring to post-traumatic stress disorder.
Wainer, a survivor of domestic abuse herself, said several aspects of the film rang false: Bloom doesn’t get ensnared in a custody battle, she doesn’t face financial struggles after becoming dependent on her abuser, and she doesn’t experience any work disruption, social isolation or the other harsh realities of escaping.
One thing the movie does get right, experts said, is the romance at the beginning of the relationship. Almost as soon as he sees Bloom, Kincaid is on a charm offensive, a tactic known as “love bombing,” and he plies her with flowers and insistent requests.
His controlling behavior continues once they’re in a relationship. When he hurts her, he convinces her it was only a series of accidents, and she comforts him instead. Jacobs praised the focus on psychological abuse and a dynamic in which victims misread behaviors like jealousy and possessiveness as romantic.
But the movie’s marketing has also come in for criticism from experts. Much of the discussion about “It Ends With Us” has centered on the press tour, in part because of the dissonance between the film’s cheery, floral-heavy promotion and its dark story.
Maddie Spear, a therapist in Raleigh, N.C., makes online videos under the handle @Therapy Thoughts. She said she was surprised by how well the movie showed some aspects of abuse, but that made her even more disappointed in its marketing. She especially took issue with an interview in which Lively emphasized that Bloom was more than her abuse.
“While that’s a really hopeful perspective, survivors of trauma and especially of intimate partner violence and domestic violence know that is not a part of them that they can just turn off and they can just get rid of,” said Spear, who works with young adults and has treated many clients who have experienced abuse in early relationships.
Jacobs and Spear both expressed hope that despite its inaccuracies, the movie could help viewers get the courage to think about leaving an abusive relationship.
The movie has received over $180 million at the global box office, but it’s difficult to say whether it has helped viewers. A spokeswoman for the National Domestic Violence Hotline said that it hadn’t seen an increase in calls tied to the movie, but it had recorded a 10 percent rise in website traffic since the film was released on Aug. 9.
The production company behind the movie, Baldoni’s Wayfarer Studios, partnered with the No More Foundation, which focuses on awareness campaigns around domestic violence, to consult on some aspects of the depiction and to develop resources that viewers can learn about from the credits. Compared with the same time period in July, a spokesman said, the organization had experienced an 800 percent increase in website visits, three times the usual traffic to its support service directory in the United States as well as a 525 percent increase in downloaded resources.
The group’s platform No More Silence, which invites survivors and victims of domestic abuse to safely and anonymously share their stories, has also seen a jump to more than 40 posts a week from a few since “It Ends With Us” was released.
”I knew this movie would change everything for me and it did,” reads one recent addition from an anonymous poster. “I finally left him and as hard as it was, it was the best thing for me and for my future. I believe you have one life, why would I let it go to waste on someone like that?”
Read More: What ‘It Ends With Us’ Gets Wrong (and Right) About Domestic Abuse
